Thank you for the button nose
Life, lemons and light
There was a period in 2012 that my whole world collapsed ….. at the time I couldn’t see a recovery or a future that could possibly be as bright as the one I had planned. The funny thing is I went straight to my brushes , I painted and I cried until I was completely exhausted and even now when I look at the work I did back then I can see the pain in the brush strokes.
Now I’m under no illusion that my life is any worse than any others but when you’re experiencing your own pains and troubles , the whole world could be suffering too and you would still feel completely alone.
We all find solace in something -the small details of life ; a cup of tea, a walk along a beach, listening to the saddest most heartbreaking songs so that you can cry some more and release that build up of tears.
I look at my life now and feel eternally grateful. Not because I have everything but because that moment in 2012 put my whole life into perspective, it made me realise that no matter how my life would pan out or how many shitty things would be thrown my way- I would cope , because I had to . This moment was the morning of the 8th of December 2012 I met my little girl - at 22 weeks pregnant she came into this world and left 15 minutes later .
Now I spent the morning in a blur , I was lucky enough to kiss her tiny button nose and perfectly formed fingers and toes , even now I could describe her touch and her smell – for months after It scared me to death that one day I would forget these sensations but I never have.
My point of all this is to say that life continues to roll. Life changing yes, but life ruining...never. As soon as I met her I knew that my heart was so much bigger than I ever could have imagined, it had the capacity to love and get perspective on this life that I never knew was possible and being a mum even physically for such a short time made my future brighter.. all because I had loved her.
2 days after I had her I painted. I was full of this deep, dark and unrelenting sadness that I had to release but it had to be all about her . So I painted a tree a large limbed tree that would later be filled with wired butterflies symbolising the flight that I had been privileged to be witness too. I called the painting ‘’Tallulah Blue ‘ - the tree of life , the tree that represented my everything.. I donated the painting to Treliske Hospital Daisy suite where I had given birth in the hope that another mum would find some hope in the work when all seemed lost.
Often I think of her when I paint. Thoughts of her bring me happiness and a fire in me that makes me want to live. That’s why I paint because life is too short to spend your time on things that do not bring you total and utter happiness .
Since then I’ve jumped out of an aeroplane (attatched to someone of course), raised money for charities that were relevant to my daughters illness , gifted strangers paintings who I thought may appreciate the gesture and made friends with many other people that had been effected with childloss in some way …… so much that I never would have done before.
My way of coping isn't universal and i'm not perfect, I dont pretend to be ( unless my husband argues with me in which case Im always right) . But I found inspiration to live and love in my darkest moments . This didn’t happen overnight by any means , it was a struggle and a battle to find these positives but suddenly it all fell into place and I hope that other people drowning in depths of sadness can find the one thing that gives them some escape.
I’m incredibly lucky that eventually after years of various degrees of fertility issues, I had my son . There is always hope. I wish I could have told my younger self that everything would work out eventually, because it has too. Maybe things don’t work out in the way we planned or it takes some life changing circles to come to your stopping point . I found purpose in my brushes and that is why I do what I do -every brush stroke represents some moment in my life that time wont change.
I will never forget that button nose, I see her in my son everyday.
P.s If this resounds with anyone and you would like to chat please feel free to get in touch.